When Calm Wins Conversation

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“She didn’t smile, but her shoulders relaxed. That was enough.”

— Normal People by Sally Rooney

According to the classic Mehrabian communication model we communicate 7% through words, 38% through tone of voice, and 55% by using body language.

We communicate 55% without uttering a single word, even if we talk through phone, some words aren't need to be said, just understood. I remember a time when I called a customer, answered a few questions and only listened to her complaints. Complaints that were mostly about the price being so high that she was shocked (as if I was with the CEO of the company when they were deciding about the service charges)

Anyways without saying much and only repeating up a few words to simply reassure her, we end our call.

But.

Right after a minute a notification comes up that she has paid full.

A minute ago I was under the impression that she would never call back let alone pay full.

That's when I realized the power of listening, and the "Principle of scarcity and authority" talked by the psychologist Robert Cialdini; how people yield when they perceive someone as unshakable or self-assured.

Before we go further into psychology I also want to share a scene from a movie.

It's not exactly a spoiler just a scene that you might have come across in the trailers as well.

Brad Pitt playing as Sonny Hayes in movie F1 asks for a specific set of tires that were not part of the pre planned strategy, his demand makes the team principal (Kaspar) lose his composure so he shouts with conviction, defending his tire plan and citing years of experience in motorsport, while Sonny Hayes (Brad Pitt) remains completely unfazed, he doesn't yell, he doesn't even justify his decision with technical arguments but simply shrugs and team principal gives up saying:

"Give him his tires."

An example of winning an argument without a word.

The silence here is equal to confidence and trust in one's own instincts.

In negotiation psychology, Robert Cialdini refers to this as Low Reactance Behavior; the ability to influence by staying calm and composed, rather than matching emotional intensity. A type of behavior that gives authority and control over a situation. So when a person responds with calm and minimal emotional resistance under pressure, criticism, or manipulation and doesn’t fight back, the other person has nothing to push against. Their quiet confidence, non defensiveness gives them more control. And their calm creates contrast to tense situations which ultimately makes them authoritative, as people trust those more who don't seem desperate to convince.

And that scene conveyed exactly that. A form of human communication through body language that influences without an insult or a retort.

And I really liked the scene and thus thought to share it here with you all

So, if you enjoyed this article you might like another article that touches the concept of languages as well. Cited in the end.

As always I would love to know your insights on the topic.

Have a good day or night. ;)